Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord - Psalm 127:3
You pee on the stick and look down. Pregnant! How exciting! You cannot wait to call your husband and share the news! Pregnant?! Wow....
What happens when those are not the feelings of jublilation you feel when you learn the news?
Surely. Something is wrong. What kind of mother and person am I?
For months, I have been feeling like a failure. A failure in joy. A failure in relishing in the blessing of a baby. A failure as a daughter of the king.
I have been annoyed with my children. Less than thrilled with my husband and pushing away all that could possibly see me as a fraud.
At church we have been studying the will of doing the things of the Lord versus doing the evil things of the world. We feel pulled to do good but at the same time, feel pulled to do things that bring us further from Christ.
For the past week, I have been quietly thinking about how Satan takes something that is supposed to be so joyful and wages spiritual battle using it. He is a crafty snake.
Why am I sharing this? Why am I allowing myself to look like a horrible mother? Allowing my transparency to set me up for judgement? Because if I feel this way, surely someone else does as well. Surely someone else questions God's plan. Surely I am not alone.
One day, my sons will marry. Some day, Lord willing, I will have daughters you will be questioning their sanity and wondering how they can possibly be equipped to be the mother they long to be. Someday I want them to read this and know, they, with God's help, will have victory.
The bottom line is my faith is not where it should be. My focus is on the things of this world. I am running from what God has planned for me. I fear I am inadequate. I fear I will have to die to my desires and I am selfish. I do not trust that He holds the future in His hands.
We know the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. - Romans 7:14
Join me as for the next few weeks, I dive into the Word and seek His calling for me, a mother, a help-meet and a daughter of the King.
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